The scariest movie I had ever seen.

The scariest movie I had ever seen.
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In 1982 I was 11 and my mom for whatever reason took me to see the scariest movie I have ever seen, I didn’t want nor ask to see it, it was a movie that terrified me to my very core. For years this movie was the movie I would compare all other horror movies to, it was Poltergeist. Yeah,yeah I know what you’re thinking but remember I was 11!!! Up until that point the scariest movies I had seen were on the Sunday creature double feature and probably starred Lon Chaney. Poltergeist scarred me, I never watched it again, sure I had watched all the bad sequels and those were fine and I became a horror movie buff but something in my scarred 11 year old mind told me that nothing in the world would be scarier than Poltergeist. That damned clown, the tree, EVERYTHING about it horrified me, cut to 29 years later and I notice it’s on my Netflix, I take a deep breath and add it to my queue and now it’s time to see if I can make it through it. As it’s playing I will stop it periodically and report on how I’m doing.

16 minutes in and I don’t remember this movie at all, I have no recollection of a pet bird dying, a bunch of guys watching a football game and I definitely didn’t remember the parents smoking out!!! All I remembered was that evil conversation between Carol Anne and the TV, that conversation was so burnt into my brain that I could almost recite it verbatim.

23 minutes in, I made it past the first clown scene, sure nothing happened but I remember that little bastard comes to life!
The TV came back to life and she said the words I hate “They’re here.”

29 minutes in, again I don’t remember anything but the scary parts, I had no recollection of the construction guys who were digging the pool in the backyard ogling Dana ,the middle daughter played by Dominque Dunn, what’s bizarre about that scene is JoBeth Williams(the mother’s) reaction, she just smiles and shakes her head. Oh isn’t it funny that old guys are cat-calling my underage daughter. But enough about what I don’t remember, I did remember the kitchen chair scene perfectly. At this point let me say that I haven’t wet myself or had Nam like flashbacks, so far it’s just a decent thriller type horror movie.

37 minutes and hold on a second. One one thousand, two one thousand, stupid tree, three one thousand, damned tree grabbed the kid. Four one thous…wait, there’s a tornado in Poltergeist?!?! Yep didn’t remember that part and now a bunch of cool toys are getting sucked into the closet! A Tie Fighter, a Big Trak (I always wanted one of those) whoops there goes Carol Anne, those ghosts are efficient room cleaners. Minutes later and wow I feel bad for Robbie right now, his parents see him being grabbed by a tree and they just leave him upstairs to find Carol Anne!

44 minutes in and I have to sit and listen to this Winston Zeddemore/Lando Calrissian wannabe tell me about psychotronic energy?!? Oh cool! They just unlocked the bedroom and a Hulk riding a horse just flew by, this movie has everything!

50 minutes in and her voice coming out of the TV still kinda freaks me out. I didn’t remember the watches and stuff falling from the ceiling or the nerdy dude getting bit.

57 minutes in and the old drunk redhead lady won’t shut up about heaven and what happens when you die, lets get this movie moving again people!!!

1:01 in and its finally the steak scene!!!mmmm maggoty! For some reason I remembered the face peeling scene as Coach’s Craig T. Nelson. This scene didn’t freak me out then and still didn’t today, but if I were that dude I would’ve ran out of the house peeing the entire way!

1:13 and finally they get to telling us about them moving the cemetery and the midget lady shows up! This movie is about to get moving again.

Since the movie is just re-capping whats happening, I’ll take this moment to ask how many days has Carol Anne been in the TV by now? What’s she eating? Why is JoBeth Williams wearing a karate outfit? Anyone have the answers to these questions?

1:26 and they are playing slimy tennis ball catch.

1:31 WHOA giant skull head!!! I didn’t remember that.

1:33 this house is clean, my ass!

1:38 this just shows you how scared I was as a kid, JoBeth is in the bathtub, normally that would’ve made this the best movie ever but no they are about to scare away the raging hormones with that clown!!!!

1:40 the 11 year old didn’t appreciate it but the 40 year old version of me is loving the panty shots, way to go JoBeth!!!!

1:41 and its back to evil crap including the rumored real skeletons used in the swimming pool scene. From the second I saw this as a kid I stopped going into unfinished pools filled with skeletons.

1:48 and there goes the neighborhood, get it because the house is all hoovering back to Hell?

All in all, not as bad as I remember, some things still made me tense but only because of the memories, had I seen this movie today it wouldn’t bother me at all. I just told you mine so what movie scared you to death as a kid?
it’s over and….my pants are clean.
~Curt Sandvig

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Contact: curt@hollywookiee.com